By: Chris Lobkovich

Alright Green Army faithful…. I’m back!  And I’ve got an entire page of notes of worthy subjects for ridicule.  But, with all this banter on the blog about the depth of the Men’s National Team and all the buzz starting about the upcoming Gold Cup and World Cup going about, I thought I’d write about the sad state of professional and national team soccer here in the states.  Now, I can hear the bitching and the arguments already….  And that is exactly what I want to hear, however, my point is a simple one.

We will never field a truly top class competitive national team while our best athletes are playing other sports.

There.  I said it.  While there are many great soccer players that come from the United States and many who play in the some of the most competitive leagues around the world, the quality of the athletes who end up playing soccer is inferior to the quality of athletes that end up playing other sports here the United States.  Our strongest, fastest, tallest and most agile are being scooped up at young ages to play basketball, football and a plethora of other high paying professional sports.  And unfortunately in our society, until kids (and their parents) start seeing soccer players pulling in big time endorsement deals and arriving at stadiums in super exotic high dollar autos, our best athletes are going to get pushed to where they can make the most money.  Now I’m not saying that the big name athletes right now don’t love the sports they have chosen to dedicate their lives too, but I don’t see emulating Clint Dempsey at pickup games like I see them pretending to be Michael Jordan.

So now I know all of you are asking yourselves “Ninja Assassin, how do we fix this?”  Well, it’s quite simple really.  I’ve compiled a list of current athletes that we will kidnap and hold against their will while they are brain washed and reconditioned to be soccer players.  I figure, if we get started as soon as the NBA playoffs are over, we could have a super team assembled and ready to go by the time World Cup 2010 comes around.

So, without further delay, the top five American athletes that should play soccer instead of whatever lame professional sport they’ve chosen.

1.        Lebron James:

King James!!!! When he isn’t destroying people on the court he is hugging babies. What is there not to like about this guy?  He would be the US version of Kaka: tall, talented, well spoken, and a decent human being.  He would be our answer to that second forward position.  His ability to create as well as finish will truly make him the American embodiment of Kaka.

2.       Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps was my hero until I saw this picture.  What a shame. There is no way I can root for a guy that can’t even clear a bong load.  SUCK IT UP PUSSY!!!!  Anyways, drugs and greatness sometimes go hand in hand.  Phelps could have been another member of our long tradition of world class keepers. The guys stands 6′4 inches tall and has a 6′7 wingspan.  Yeah his arms are longer than he is tall. This knuckle dragging freak show would dominate between the posts.

3.       Kobe Bryant

When Kobe Bryant isn’t raping white girls, he is on the court raping other teams.  The man likes to grab the game by neck and ram it into submission.  I think his greatest accomplishment, though, was proving once and for all that money does buy forgiveness.  Kobe could have been the American Maradona.  One of the greatest to ever play the game and could get away with murder. His skill, creativity, and dominating athleticism would have propelled his name among the greats.

4.       Ladainian Tomlinson

Just imagine that is Raphael Marquez in that NY uniform.  LT would be the first real American winger.  He would be Cristiano Ronaldo with testicles.  You would never see LT take a dive or pass the ball for that matter.  His agility, power, and pace would make him a one man wrecking crew up the flanks.

5.       Allen Iverson

Allen Iverson has the skill, speed, and grace of Robinho with the criminal record of Joey Barton.  He would be our go to striker and tabloid sensation.  Iverson is known for being a one man show and a complete cancer to any team.  Sounds like a perfect fit for LA Galaxy.

So what do you guys think?  I’d like to get some feedback from you guys on this.  Not so much on the specific athletes that I’ve listed, but on the current state of and quality of the athletes that are currently playing US soccer.

by: Chris Lobkovich

This week, we are going to shift gears a little bit and not lay waste to something absurd in the soccer world.  Instead, I would like to comment on a special event that is happening this week.  That’s right.  I am of course talking about Eric Fulton, our fearless leader, becoming eligible to play in the old farts league.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUCKA!

That’s right, the big 3-0. Don’t feel bad, from what I understand, it happens to the best of us at some point!

And I would also like to take this opportunity, to bring to light and thank Eric for all the hard work he does running the club and providing us with such a fantastic environment to play soccer in.  I’d be willing to guess that in any given week Eric logs about twenty or so planning practices, recruiting players, talking shit about your MLS fantasy squad and all the other stuff that goes along with running the club.  It is no easy task keeping us bums in line!

Thanks for all your hard work and dedication and again,  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

By: Chris Lobkovich

As no one shall ever be spared the wrath of the Ninja Assassin, this week I’m going to tackle a very heavy subject (and one that hits close to home for me).  Just when you thought it was safe to leave your home and start purchasing MLS jerseys, the Sounders FC has swooped in and taken modern jersey design to all time hideousness.  For those of you who have not had the displeasure of laying eyes on one of these jerseys, here you go….

Yup.  That’s bright ass green.  Now, I’m no expert, but unless they are planning on doing charity work as roadside construction flaggers, there is no need for anybody to wear a shirt that brightly colored.  And the picture doesn’t do it justice.  While travelling in Seattle over the Christmas holiday, I happened into the Sounders team store to perhaps purchase some apparel to show my support for the new franchise.  I was however unable to complete the task because after laying eyes on the jerseys I fell into epileptic fits that would only subside after I was removed from the store.  Sadly, I will be forced to wear my USL Sounders apparel until they see the error of their ways and come up with something a little better.

The Sounders, by selecting these jerseys to wear, have single handedly set the MLS and the sport of soccer back about 13 years by my count.  Let us not forget how far the sport has come since these days……

So please Mr. Carey, and the rest of your cohorts in the Pacific Northwest, please change your ways….  Don’t bring about another decade of awful uniforms and crappy soccer.  The American public just can’t take it.

Editors Note - The opinions expressed in this blog entry, no matter how right they are, are those solely of the Ninja Assassin and not of anybody else in the world.

By: Chris Lobkovich

This week, I would like to draw attention to a very serious problem that has plagued the soccer world for years but is quickly becoming an epidemic.  I am of course talking about when shiny shoes attack.  It’s never a pretty sight.  There you are, on the pitch, in a pub, at the stadium and all of the sudden, BAM!  There they are.  An awful pair of shiny soccer shoes.   The only way for us to help stop the spread of the plight is through open, honest discussion and constant ridicule of those who wear them.

They come in all shapes and sizes.  9s, 10s, 11s.  Blue, green, red and of course bright orange.   We can’t forget about the bright orange ones.  They don’t help you’re game, they clash with your jersey and more often than not you will only single yourself out as “that guy with the ugly shoes” on the pitch.  Not to mention the fact that most fullbacks see those shoes as targets for all of their pent up aggression and you will usually get clobbered (if only they made you run faster….).

After countless hours of research and study, I have found the worst offenders.  I mean the really bad guys who wear really shiny shoes.

These pictures are disturbing and not for the faint of heart.  All of these pictures were taken of the shiny shoes in their natural habitats.

Our first example comes to us from the far away land of Germany.

Here, we have a classic example of the Grun Bootus Uglius. Please note how these green Nike’s have forced the wearer to convulse involuntarily and have made him look hideously deformed.

Another example, this time from the country of England.

This should be avoided at all cost if you encounter it in the wild.  The Grease Crested Orangus Douche, also from the fellows at Nike, has been known to turn the wearer into a monumental pussy who crashes Ferraris.

Now, as a concerned Ninja Assassin, I have scoured the world to find the source of this disease that is plaguing mankind.  And after years of looking, I have found it.  The disease seems to have all originated back in England in the mid 1960’s.  The first known documented case in a human was found in none other than Sir Elton John.

Yup.  There it is.  He single handedly started the entire shiny shoe fad and has secretly been working with Nike and other athletic shoe manufacturers around the world to help spread the disease.  I fear, the only way to stop him and the spread of this awful disease, is for somebody to sneak up on him while he sleeps and drive wooden stake through his heart.  Then and only then, will those affected with the shiny shoe disease be able to return to their normal ways and stop wearing completely ridiculous shoes.

Editors Note - The opinions expressed in this blog entry, no matter how right they are, are those solely of the Ninja Assassin and not of anybody else in the world.

By: Chris Lobkovich

Installment  #1

Greetings!  The Green Army Blog Master has been foolish enough to give me a public forum to voice my opinions about the soccer world, so I’m going to take full advantage of it before he changes his mind and decides to stop publishing my entries!

My first target, or four targets as it is, has bothered me for quite some time.  I am of course referring to the four mascots of the Colorado Rapids of MLS, Edson the Eagle, Marco Van Bison, Jorge el Mapache and Franz the Fox.

Really, Colorado?

Do we need FOUR mascots?

I’d settle for a solid full back and two mascots.  These are tough economic times and perhaps the money spent paying the wages of high school flunkies who couldn’t make the cheerleading squad could be better spent on the pitch trying to improve the level of play.   Not to mention that if you were to look at the attendance records at Dicks Sporting Good Park, we have a higher mascot to fan ratio than any other sports franchise in the world.   It’s ridiculous.

They’re not even cool NBA style mascots that can do acrobatic stunts to entertain us at halftime, or jaded major league baseball mascots that thrive on taunting opposing team’s fans into fits of rage about cheering for their crappy teams.  They are just a waste of costume material that could have been better used making super hero costumes at Halloween for needy children.

And it sends a bad message to our children who need to learn to avoid small, rabies carrying wild animals.  I mean, sure, Franz the Fox is cute, but the little fox that killed my neighbor’s cat in the back yard…..  Not so cute.  And not something the children of Colorado should adore and want their pictures taken with.  Not to mention the fact that they simply distract attention from the game.  The game that you have paid top dollar to watch.

So now, I’m sure you’re all asking “Ninja Assassin, how do we solve our over abundance of mascots problem?”

It’s quite simple.

Thunderdome.

That’s right.  Four mascots enter.  One mascot leaves.

Editors Note - The opinions expressed in this blog entry, no matter how right they are, are those solely of the Ninja Assassin and not of anybody else in the world.