By: Chris Lobkovich

As no one shall ever be spared the wrath of the Ninja Assassin, this week I’m going to tackle a very heavy subject (and one that hits close to home for me).  Just when you thought it was safe to leave your home and start purchasing MLS jerseys, the Sounders FC has swooped in and taken modern jersey design to all time hideousness.  For those of you who have not had the displeasure of laying eyes on one of these jerseys, here you go….

Yup.  That’s bright ass green.  Now, I’m no expert, but unless they are planning on doing charity work as roadside construction flaggers, there is no need for anybody to wear a shirt that brightly colored.  And the picture doesn’t do it justice.  While travelling in Seattle over the Christmas holiday, I happened into the Sounders team store to perhaps purchase some apparel to show my support for the new franchise.  I was however unable to complete the task because after laying eyes on the jerseys I fell into epileptic fits that would only subside after I was removed from the store.  Sadly, I will be forced to wear my USL Sounders apparel until they see the error of their ways and come up with something a little better.

The Sounders, by selecting these jerseys to wear, have single handedly set the MLS and the sport of soccer back about 13 years by my count.  Let us not forget how far the sport has come since these days……

So please Mr. Carey, and the rest of your cohorts in the Pacific Northwest, please change your ways….  Don’t bring about another decade of awful uniforms and crappy soccer.  The American public just can’t take it.

Editors Note – The opinions expressed in this blog entry, no matter how right they are, are those solely of the Ninja Assassin and not of anybody else in the world.

By: Chris Lobkovich

This week, I would like to draw attention to a very serious problem that has plagued the soccer world for years but is quickly becoming an epidemic.  I am of course talking about when shiny shoes attack.  It’s never a pretty sight.  There you are, on the pitch, in a pub, at the stadium and all of the sudden, BAM!  There they are.  An awful pair of shiny soccer shoes.   The only way for us to help stop the spread of the plight is through open, honest discussion and constant ridicule of those who wear them.

They come in all shapes and sizes.  9s, 10s, 11s.  Blue, green, red and of course bright orange.   We can’t forget about the bright orange ones.  They don’t help you’re game, they clash with your jersey and more often than not you will only single yourself out as “that guy with the ugly shoes” on the pitch.  Not to mention the fact that most fullbacks see those shoes as targets for all of their pent up aggression and you will usually get clobbered (if only they made you run faster….).

After countless hours of research and study, I have found the worst offenders.  I mean the really bad guys who wear really shiny shoes.

These pictures are disturbing and not for the faint of heart.  All of these pictures were taken of the shiny shoes in their natural habitats.

Our first example comes to us from the far away land of Germany.

Here, we have a classic example of the Grun Bootus Uglius. Please note how these green Nike’s have forced the wearer to convulse involuntarily and have made him look hideously deformed.

Another example, this time from the country of England.

This should be avoided at all cost if you encounter it in the wild.  The Grease Crested Orangus Douche, also from the fellows at Nike, has been known to turn the wearer into a monumental pussy who crashes Ferraris.

Now, as a concerned Ninja Assassin, I have scoured the world to find the source of this disease that is plaguing mankind.  And after years of looking, I have found it.  The disease seems to have all originated back in England in the mid 1960′s.  The first known documented case in a human was found in none other than Sir Elton John.

Yup.  There it is.  He single handedly started the entire shiny shoe fad and has secretly been working with Nike and other athletic shoe manufacturers around the world to help spread the disease.  I fear, the only way to stop him and the spread of this awful disease, is for somebody to sneak up on him while he sleeps and drive wooden stake through his heart.  Then and only then, will those affected with the shiny shoe disease be able to return to their normal ways and stop wearing completely ridiculous shoes.

Editors Note – The opinions expressed in this blog entry, no matter how right they are, are those solely of the Ninja Assassin and not of anybody else in the world.